A time to remember!

 I try to keep a personal journal, I don't write in it everyday but at least once a month. Mostly I am writing to God in it or I may write about something that happened in my life that I don't want to forget about. Every month I like to go back and read what I wrote the year before or even the year before that. I like to see where I have been and how I have changed or grown in my walk with the Lord.

  Today I decided to look back to what I had written two years ago in February. These are some thoughts that I had written down that I was glad I had to read again.

 I John 1:5 "God is light and in Him is no darkness."
"So if God is light, He cannot think evil thoughts towards me, because that would be darkness. The truth is if God says He loves me than He loves me. He has never hated me, he has never rejected me, he has never let me down. "

 It is so good to remember this,because in this world we all suffer hurt. We all feel unloved by times. We all feel hated by times. We all feel rejected by times. But with God this is never true. Even at my worst God says He loves me and that He will always be with me.

 This was something else that I had written. "The more I am ok with my imperfections, realizing that I am not going to do things perfectly, the more I enjoy my relationship with God."

 I spent many years feeling like Christianity was all about doing the right thing, I only ended up wasting so many years trying to earn God's favor. It is not about what I have done, but what Christ has done. I actually got to a point in my relationship with God that I did not even enjoy it anymore. It was sad! I am thankful for His saving Grace. He rescued me and I love Him!

 This gives me great hope that He is not done with me yet. He has so much more for me to learn about Him. Who knows where I will be in another two years, but I am so thankful for what He has taught me in these last two. He is ever loving, ever patient, and ever faithful!

And the winner is......!

 As a young girl I remember that feeling of wanting to be as good or better at the things my friends were good at. I was not a tomboy, but I had a friend that was. She was so good at sports and making new friends and I was not. I was quiet and bashful! I was not all that athletic, but because my friend liked sports and could do well at them I tried. I tried softball, not such a good idea, if you are afraid of the ball hitting you. Haha!! I tried cross country, but I was almost always in last place. I tried tennis and actually really liked it, but not sure if I was really any good at it. Finally in High School I found my sport, I played volleyball and loved it. I was even pretty good at it, but a lot of my other friends were better at it than me. I remember feeling like "I wish I could be the star. I wish that people would think that I am the best player on the team."

 Now, of course, all that seems so silly. We were a team and we all played well, after all there is no "I" in team!!! Now I find myself at a different place in life. It is not about softball, cross country, tennis, or even volleyball anymore. It is about being a wife, mother, and child of God. I find myself still in the same predicament as earlier in my life. I am still competing in my head to be the best. I want everyone to look at me and say she is a great wife and loving mother and is the perfect child of God. But this my dear friend is only pride!

 God has called us to love one another and encourage one another. Not fight for 1st place, be willing to humble ourselves so that God would get all glory.

 Today I was reading in Genesis the story of Jacob, Rachel, and Leah. The sisters were always competing with one another. They despised one another. the sad part about it to me is that before they were Jacob's wives they were sisters. Maybe they never got along I don't know, but their jealousy of each other only destroyed their sisterhood. When I read this I thought, isn't that what I do with my competitive attitude? Am I only destroying the sisterhood that I have in Christ? God has blessed me with women and men in my life who are my spiritual sisters and brothers. He has given them to me to love and to encourage, not to compete with! He has given them to me so that I do not have to walk through this journey alone. Competition only destroys what the Lord has given me. I don't always see eye to eye with my fellow believers, but God says put aside your differences and focus on me and what I have for you. This journey is to difficult to do it alone, we need each other and we need to keep our focus on God.

 Today, my sisters and brothers in Christ, let us not compete with one another, but let us love and encourage one another. Let us be a team that together brings honor and glory to the Lord! Together we are stronger, together we can accomplish much in this world!

You........!!!!

" We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure our heart before Him in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart and knows all things."

I John 3:19,20

  My children will by times run through the house calling each other names, like you poopy face or you diaper. Don't ask me where they came up with these names because I have no idea. The younger one will almost always come to me and say he called me a ........! Usually I will say to her well, are you a .........? The answer of course is no, so I tell her that she needs to just ignore him and he will stop calling her that. Boys for some reason think it is funny to call others names. They don't really think that about the person they just think it is funny or so I am told. 

  These last few days I have been thinking about this scenario in my own life. I often feel like the choices I made or that people in my family made in the past define who I am. I am very self conscience about what people think of me and will spend days, weeks, and sometimes even months stressing about what I think other people perceive about me. Almost a year ago I had a really embarrassing moment that even to this day I will spend time being anxious  about. We were visiting a church in the area and the guest speaker pointed at me in the crowd and asked me a question, which I had no answer for. I felt so stupid, here I am the visiting missionary wife and I had no answer. I felt like everyone in the room must think I am stupid as well. To this day when I see people from that church I have anxiety over that situation. Thankfully I know the people in the church pretty well and they were all very gracious with me and even helped me find some humor in it.

  I tell you this story about me because it is a huge part of my life. By times I think it is all in the past and I am over it. I spend days working through it with God and find healing, but then something happens or I see someone and it triggers it all again. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. Today as I was sitting and thinking why does this have to get to me every time and what is it God that you are trying to tell me I heard him say, "Well, are you.......?" 

  Some days I say the wrong thing and some days I do the wrong thing. I make bad choices or bad mistakes, but it does not define who I am. God defines who I am! I am His Child, His Princess. He says He loves me even when I feel so unlovable. He says I am beautiful even though I feel so ugly. He says that I am unique even though I feel like I need to be someone else. So today I am thankful that even though in my head I think and feel all those things, God does not think that about me!

Grace so Amazing!

 "Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you,and therefore He waits on high to have  compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; how blessed are all those who long for Him. O people in Zion, inhabitant  in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it,  He will answer you."

Isaiah 30:18,19

  Isn't it encouraging that today even though we may have already screwed up and done the wrong thing that God is waiting to be gracious with us and show us compassion. He promises that when we call out to Him, He will hears us  and He will answer us!

  Everyday I fail, everyday I make mistakes, and everyday that I forget that I have made a mistake my children usually remind me that I have! For instances, the other day, in a very gentle and sincere voice my son says to me "Mommy you get frustrated with people a lot!" Yikes that one hurt! But he is right, I do, and it is not right. So he and I talked about it and I had to apologize to my son. Afterwards I thought, wow, I really have a problem here! If  my five year old is seeing it and he is confronting me about it maybe I should listen. But you know I know that I cannot change this part of me on my own. I try, but I need help. I need a loving God to forgive me. I need a loving God to remind me that I did it again. I need a loving God to stop me before I even start. That is what God promises to do for us. He promises us grace and compassion when we call out to Him.

  I hope that today you find grace and compassion in the Lord! 

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

I John 1:9

  

Growing Pains!

  My five year old is taller than all the other kids in his class. When he was born he was this long skinny little boy. People used to ask me if he was a preemie because he was so skinny. He wasn't a preemie and he ate all the time, it's just how God made him. All the other babies his age were rounder then him and when people used to say he was skinny I wanted to say " no, it is just that your baby is fat!" Of course I did not say that to them, just to myself and well perhaps my husband when I was really irritated and wanted to vent. Now he is nearly six years old and he is still taller and skinnier than almost all the other kids his age. When he grows his legs hurt, often at bedtime or during the night he will come get me and ask for some medicine. This will last for a couple of weeks and then he ends up a little taller and pain free.
  My sons growing pains remind me of my walk with the Lord. The Lord loves us to much to leave us where we are at, is what I have recently been challenged with. As I wrote a few days ago I struggle with faith. Perhaps more than I should. I know what the Bible says and I think in my head that it is all true, but yet do a really believe it by the way that I live and by what I say. The past couple of days I have been struggling in my head with certain life problems. I think God why don't you just take care of this, what is it You are trying to teach me.When will you just answer my prayer already. You said ask and it shall be given to you. So I have asked why are you not giving it to me. Hello, God it is me, your servant asking for a little help.
  So today I open up to do some Bible reading and wouldn't you know God had something to say to me.There is this story about a Gentile woman in Matthew 15:21-28. This woman came to Jesus asking him to heal her daughter, who was demon possessed. At first Jesus ignores her, she then pleads with him again. The disciples want Jesus to send her away, but instead Jesus engages with her. He says in vs.24 " I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel." The woman came and bowed before Jesus and begged him to help her. And He says to her in vs.26 " Is it not good to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs?" The woman replies "Yes, Lord, but even the dogs feed on the crumbs which fall from the master's table." Jesus says to her " O woman, your faith is great, it shall be done for you as you wish."
  I am amazed by this story. This woman believed with all her heart that Jesus was the only on who had the power to heal her daughter. She had no power, doctors had no power, nobody, but Jesus. As I read this I thought wow, ok Lord that really hurts. I say that I believe You are the only one, but when times get tough and it seems that You are not doing anything I look to myself or to someone else to solve it.
  I so easily become impatient and want to find another way to take care of my problem, but really He is the only one who can solve it. So maybe what I need to learn through this trial is to keep asking and to keep believing He is the only one who can do it. There is no short cut and there is no easy resolution. Instead I have to grow up a little more and it is going to hurt a little or perhaps a lot before it is all said and done! But I have to chose to believe that He is the only one who can do it!

Forgiveness!

  So I am the mom of two children. A boy who is 5 years old and a girl who is 3 years old. My 5 year old was born practically running. He is a bundle of energy and keeps me on my toes. One goal in parenting that I have is to help my children to think through their decisions. So instead of just disciplining and moving on I tend to make my children tell me why they chose to do what they did and help them to think of ways to not do it again. So the other day my son comes home from school and we are sitting at the table having a snack when he tells me that he got in trouble at lunchtime. "Oh yeah", I say, "what happened?" He tells me that a boy in his class dared him to throw a straw on the floor and apparently one of the teachers caught him doing just that and made him sit at a table by himself. He then told me about his plan to get even with the boy who dared him. In my head I thought isn't that how we all are. Someone has wronged us and we are going to get even. They need to learn their lesson after all! I, of course, did not tell him to do that. Instead we talked about how in life their are always people who want to get the other person in trouble and so when we are dared to do something we need to stop and think if doing it is a good idea or not. As an almost 33 year old woman I struggle with this some many times. I want to lash back at those who hurt me. I want them to come crying to me for forgiveness ( a little vicious, I know! But it is the truth). And yet  I have to take it to God and say I am just as evil as they are. I hurt others and I am not better than the one who hurt me. I have to choose to forgive and it is not always easy. It takes me a long time to forget the wrongs done to me and so therefore I have to go to God a lot and ask Him to help me forgive.

Time to be Honest!

  " O Lord, You have searched me and known me"

Psalm 139:1

  For most of my 33 years of life I had lived a life of hiding behind religion.I had not wanted to be honest about my real thoughts and feelings for fear of being judged or thought of as non spiritual. I feel like I lived a lie! Through all those years God has known me and I sought to only hide my true thoughts and feelings, and to lead others to believe well of me. My purpose in writing this blog is to be honest and transparent. I love the Lord and I know that He loves me. I struggle in life just like everyone else. I don't always understand why God allows us to go through certain things and I don't think that there is always an easy answer. I  believe that when we are honest with ourselves and take those hard questions to God and ask Him to help us He will. He already knows what we are thinking or what we have done, He is waiting for us to come to Him!

God are you really there?

And you know in all your hearts and in all your souls that not one word of all the good words which the Lord your God spoke concerning you has failed; all have been fulfilled for you, not one of them has failed.

Joshua 23:14b

  

  Do you ever have times in your life when you wonder if God really has your best interest at heart? Do you ever wonder is He going to fail me? I recently read the above verse and was thankful for the reminder that God always does what he says He will do. He is always faithful. He always has our best interest at heart. Sometimes it is hard to believe that when you are going through a particularly difficult time. 

  2012 was a difficult year for our family. It brought financial difficulties for our family. It also forced us to deal with difficult relationships with other people. Quite honestly, I have wondered by times," Do you really love me God, do you really have something good in all of this for us?" Just this week I have been talking to God about all of this. I have been asking him to speak to my heart, comfort me , and remind me of what is true. The enemy seeks to devour me in my weakest time, when I doubt the truth. Yesterday as I was talking with God I asked that He would give me a truth from His Word that I could hold onto. My scripture reading lead me to Joshua 23. God gave me this verse to hold onto. I am so thankful for how good God is. I am thankful that what He says he will do, He does. I am thankful that I do not have to live a life of doubt. I know that God does love me and has my best interest at heart.

  I also know that when I wake up tomorrow I might doubt these things again. I am not perfect and it seems that my memory is failing me more than usual,( I blame that on the kids!) I tend to forget  what God has already taught me. I so often am like the Israelite and I forget what God has brought me through. God reminded them through the retelling of their story of what He had done for them. He reminds me the same way, through the truths in His Word and through the reminder of what He has already brought me through.